I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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