got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
