you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
