Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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