Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
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