i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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