she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
