Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
