I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
