so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
