and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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