took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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