i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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