Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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