I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
