Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
being pregnant is like rehab
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
