Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
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