Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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