my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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