I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
