I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
