hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
