Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
