Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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