he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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