mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
