I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
