One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
