btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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