I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
