Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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