I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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