Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
