Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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