i need an iv and a liver transplant
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
