His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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