you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
