I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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