It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
