This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
