There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
