Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
where are my eyebrows?
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