yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
