I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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