Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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