If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
