"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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