i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
