I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
