the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
