Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
