I need to stop coming to work sober
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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