found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
