WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
