five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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