i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize