he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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